You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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