Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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