A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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