remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
