i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
