Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
