You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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