all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
