somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
