I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
