I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
