i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.