i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.