A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Life is so much better after having sex.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
