And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
