You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
