Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you had me at cake vodka
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
