I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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