My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
