I met the friendliest cop last night
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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