I am puke
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
