Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
