You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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