Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
