Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
