After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
