she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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