My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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