Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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