We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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