I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
