I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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