This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I use my feet as sexual weapons
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
