How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
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