i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
