I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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