I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
