I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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