I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
