Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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