If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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