If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
