I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
