she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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