you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
