Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
