it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
