Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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