Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
