Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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