my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
