the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
