I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
