I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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