from now on my penis is your penis
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This is my gift to your gina
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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