I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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