Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You can't motorboat a personality
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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