His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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